Birth Story

Nathan's first birthday was this past Saturday. June 26th to be exact. I've seen on other blogs people writing about birth stories and since I'm feeling all amazingly sentimental I thought I would write a little bit about my own.

First things first, I went to the hospital, three, count em', three times with false labor. What nobody tells you is that "false labor" IS labor, they just don't want the baby to come yet. Each time I was sent home. I can't tell you how awful that was. Going in, excited and panic-struck that TODAY you would have your baby. And to be sent home with NO BABY. It was awful. The fourth time I was only a day before my due date and I went to see my doctor who told me I was to go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY since I was having contractions. I didn't believe him and we went home, took care of Monty, packed a bag and leisurely went to the Labor and Delivery unit. We get there and I go through the sadly, very familiar routine of being hooked up to the monitors and getting the johnny on and lying back and thinking, whatever. I'm just going to be sent home again. See, the pain was not really pain at this point. My water had not broken and it was just mildly uncomfortable. This went on for oh... twenty hours. At one point the nurse offered to give me a mild sedative so I could sleep for a bit (around midnight if I remember correctly) and I said BRING IT ON. I dozed off and on for the rest of the night. Jeff was there the entire time and only left to take Monty out and feed him. I remember thinking at one point "This isn't that bad. On TV they show women screaming and cursing and really this isn't bad at all". In the early morning hours they started me on pitocin to help speed up the contractions. And they broke my water.

That's when the pain started. They broke my water and oh my goodness. I can't even describe the horrible, horrible pain. I didn't scream, I didn't yell. I whimpered a lot. And told Jeff "I don't think I can do this" and whimpered some more. And told Jeff that I didn't WANT to do this anymore and that I changed my mind. Jeff very helpfully told me it was too late for that. To which I whimpered some more. I had signed up for an epidural and when they finally paged the doctor, it would take thirty minutes for him to get there. I remember crying. Because thirty minutes seemed like an ETERNITY and I didn't see how I could possibly wait thirty minutes. I felt like there was no rest, no time, it was just constant pain. The contractions all melted together into one big cycle of agony and I think my only thought was "GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME" even as I sobbed. I know some women have beautiful thoughts of meeting their baby during this time period, but I wasn't one of them. I wasn't howling at the moon, but I was so focused on the pain I really couldn't think of anything else. I got the epidural, and honestly, it kind of numbed the pain. I guess I thought the epidural would take away ALL THE PAIN, and it really didn't. And pushing started. I was so lucky that it was MY doctor who was there for the delivery. My OB is wonderful and fabulous and I was insanely lucky he was on duty that day. I pushed and pushed and rested and pushed and I felt like I was in some sort of weird "Whack a Mole" game. I'd hear "There's the head... and he's gone". I'd push again, same thing. I distinctly remember my doctor saying "this isn't working" and I felt some pressure and pushed again. A few minutes later Nathan was born.

Out Nathan came all slippery and they lay him on my chest. I remember being stunned as I looked at him. Tears came, and I was just stunned. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't move. There was a baby on my chest and my heart felt like it was going to explode. A second later they picked him up and weighed him and started to clean him up and already my gaze focused on him like a laser. Where was my baby? I barely paid attention to anything else because my baby was gone and I wanted him back. He was so little and precious and I was still stunned. I couldn't find the words to describe the feeling. It was sheer terror that I had this beautiful baby and was now expected to keep him alive and well fed and loved and all of that, and it was a sure certainty that I would kill anyone who hurt him. It was like a narrowing of your world until the only thing left in my vision was Nathan.

A year and a few days later I still feel afraid that I am not the best mommy I could be. I still doubt myself. I am more confident with him and getting him to laugh, hearing him say "yeah" is the best feeling in the world. He is 23 pounds and 30.5 inches. He is MY baby and he is wonderful and perfect and amazing and I cannot imagine my life without him. Happy Birthday Nathan!