It's day three and I haven't been able to bring myself to force open "Eclipse". I keep coming back to that first sentence that talks about "subterfuge" and it's starting to annoy me more and more. I mean, "subterfuge"? If I ever dropped a word like that into a conversation Jeff would tell me "Stop using your big college words on me"! I just wonder what teenage girl actually uses the word "subterfuge" at all. It was like the author had one of those word of a day calendar things and this one popped up.
Merriam Webster states that "subterfuge" means:
1 : deception by artifice or stratagem in order to conceal, escape, or evade
2 : a deceptive device or stratagem
I can think of a bunch of better words that would sound more natural coming from a 17 year old girl. Any of these really:
trick
ploy
ruse
scheme
scam
plan
ANYTHING would be better than "subterfuge". I am also disliking that Bella is apparently passively waiting for death, depending only on her "protector" to assist her. I can understand that if you're fighting a supernatural killer and you happen to be mortal, this will put a crimp on your defensive strategy, but wouldn't it be best to HAVE a defense strategy? Since there was a need for "subterfuge", Bella was not unaware of potential danger, so I would think that some sort of Plan B (maybe even from outerspace!) would be nice to have. I mean, hasn't she ever watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Gah. I just don't know people. If I can't get past this first section it's not looking good for me actually making my way through the actual book!
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Eclipse, a stylistic analysis
All of our attempts at subterfuge had been in vain. This sentence makes no attempt to be colloquial, certainly not appropriate for a teenage girl. Subterfuge goes well with the equally formal in vain. Otherwise, "useless" would be more idiomatic. The sentence isn't high style, but it is a bit formal.
His intense concentration betrayed no hint of doubt, though he was outnumbered. Betrayed is again the formal word - in other contexts, "showed" would be more appropriate. Again, no hint of doubt is chosen over the simpler "no doubt."
Thus far, the author seems to be aiming at the trappings of "literature," rather than the much more simple language that the heroine would naturally favor.
But the effort is thin. The moment when I would surely die. The surely is a trite, unconvincing way to dignify the sentence.
The odds of that didn't look so great. Colloquial, yes. Clunky? Indisputably. Keeping up the high style is just too much hard work.
Somewhere, far, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled. Doubtless, the wolf is a literary critic.
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