I was running around during lunch today, getting gas, seeing about picking up some cards, little things like that when I happened to glance into the backseat. There's a car seat back there. A car seat, some soft covered books, a mirror with jungle animals so I can see Nathan, and it hit me.
I'm a MOMMY!
I know that seems silly since my life is pretty much completely consumed by the fact that I have Nathan. But there are still times when I think.. Holy CRAP! I'm a MOTHER. I have a little baby boy who is dependent on me for EVERYTHING. I don't know if its because I never really THOUGHT about being a mother previously - but there are days when I just cannot believe it. I see mothers and their children all day long doing things like holding hands and pushing strollers and I see it abstractly. It's a fact of life. Only now that woman with the diaper bag and baby on a hip is ME! It's very weird to see myself like that, and not really weird in a bad way, just weird. Like I went to sleep one way, and woke up a completely different way. I'm still ME.. but yet there's this whole other side of me. Some days its like I'm playing role, a role I desperately want to do well, but it's a role. I stare at Nathan at times and think, he's MINE! He's MY baby. This little person, this little being is MY BABY. And it blows my mind so completely I can't explain it.
I wish I had some deep thoughts about this, but it kind of amuses me that 10 months later I am still in AWE of the fact that I have this child. I clearly remember my life previous to his arrival, but yet I cannot even fathom a world where he is not in it. This whole motherhood thing is a strange, strange journey!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Letter to Hollywood Directors
Dear Hollywood Directors,
Can we stop with the torture porn please?? Seriously, I LOVE horror movies. Scary movies are so much fun and the whole nail biting suspense, love it. But what's with making EVERY scary movie as graphic and bloody as possible? Just because you CAN show what it looks like to have someone disemboweled does not mean it should be shown on the screen. I'm tired of it. It's not scary - it's gross. It doesn't add something to the story, and it just makes me tell Jeff to skip the movie ahead so I don't get ill.
Looking for an example? Jeff and I watched "The Collector" recently and there were ALL SORTS of problems. Basic premise? A burglar breaks into a house to rob a family supposedly gone on vacation. As he's cracking the safe, he realizes that there is someone else in the house. A bondage masked bad man who has tied up the parents and brought them to the basement to torture/kill. Why? We don't really get to hear the "why" other than from a previous victim who says the guy is a "collector and they'll never get out of the house alive". That's our whole background. So it's a faceless, reasonless baddie in the house and the burglar now must save the family.
First problem? Telling me too much about burglar. They try and explain WHY the burglar breaks into the house (wife took out a loan from BAD PEOPLE and they are coming to collect and blah, blah). I think they did this to make the burglar look like the good guy. But let's face it, the burglar could be a cracked out ex-con with a gambling problem and he would look like a SAINT compared to crazy guy torturing the family.
Second problem? In the space of a few hours this bondage mask wearing guy has not only managed to get the parents and drag them to the basement where he does horrible things to them, but he has also managed to do the following:
I could go on and on about the crazy stuff this guy does in the space of a few hours, and my thinking is WHY??? He's already got the two adults in the house in the basement CHAINED UP. Who is he setting all these traps out for? The whole point of the movie is he doesn't know the burglar is inside. So what are these elaborate traps for?? Trust me when I say those two people are not going ANYWHERE without help.
Basically the movie goes on and on with people dying in horrible ways, and the teenage daughter comes home with her boyfriend and both of them die in horrible ways. Burglar manages to get the mother unchained but she freaks out after seeing her dead husband and runs smack dab into the killer. It's just nuts. My feeling was, why aren't we KILLING THE BAD GUY??? The guy doesn't know you are there... grab a weapon (there are TONS OF THEM EVERYWHERE) and sneak up behind this guy and take him out. I mean... unchain the dad, wait for killer guy to come downstairs and together you kill the bad guy. I just do NOT understand why we're doing all this skulking around the house unless it's to show us just how terrible bad guy is with all the traps he's laid out.
And here's my biggest pet peeve, and if you think you're going to watch this movie, stop here. Burglar makes it out of the house with the 5 year old daughter who has been hiding. The police are coming and he gets HIT BY A COP CAR in an attempt to save the daughter. She's taken away safely in a cop car and burglar is in the ambulance. He thinks he's safe. He's okay. NOT SO FAST! The ambulance is hit by a cop car manned by BONDAGE MASK WEARING BAD GUY who takes out everyone in the ambulance, gets the burglar guy and carries him off to certain doom.
Really? REALLY?? The bad guy escapes the house which was on FIRE by the way, takes out a cop, gets into the car and chases down the ambulance?? Is he SUPER BONDAGE MASK WEARING BAD GUY??? Does he have special powers?? I hate that. Don't try and make me think that this is a HUMAN and MORTAL person and ohhh... this could happen to you scary movie, and then give the bad guy immortal powers of regeneration. It cheapens the movie and the ending. Hated this. Hated this, hated this, hated this.
So are we clear Hollywood Directors? No blood and guts and torture JUST BECAUSE you can. And no supernatural bad guys who seems to re-spawn like a video game character. Let's go back to scary movies where something is left to the imagination. It's scarier and works better as a story.
Thank you again for your time and attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled movie watcher
Can we stop with the torture porn please?? Seriously, I LOVE horror movies. Scary movies are so much fun and the whole nail biting suspense, love it. But what's with making EVERY scary movie as graphic and bloody as possible? Just because you CAN show what it looks like to have someone disemboweled does not mean it should be shown on the screen. I'm tired of it. It's not scary - it's gross. It doesn't add something to the story, and it just makes me tell Jeff to skip the movie ahead so I don't get ill.
Looking for an example? Jeff and I watched "The Collector" recently and there were ALL SORTS of problems. Basic premise? A burglar breaks into a house to rob a family supposedly gone on vacation. As he's cracking the safe, he realizes that there is someone else in the house. A bondage masked bad man who has tied up the parents and brought them to the basement to torture/kill. Why? We don't really get to hear the "why" other than from a previous victim who says the guy is a "collector and they'll never get out of the house alive". That's our whole background. So it's a faceless, reasonless baddie in the house and the burglar now must save the family.
First problem? Telling me too much about burglar. They try and explain WHY the burglar breaks into the house (wife took out a loan from BAD PEOPLE and they are coming to collect and blah, blah). I think they did this to make the burglar look like the good guy. But let's face it, the burglar could be a cracked out ex-con with a gambling problem and he would look like a SAINT compared to crazy guy torturing the family.
Second problem? In the space of a few hours this bondage mask wearing guy has not only managed to get the parents and drag them to the basement where he does horrible things to them, but he has also managed to do the following:
- install about 15 deadbolts on the doors that only he has the key to
- poor sticky acid all over the floor of a daughter's bedroom
- hang up a web of barely visible wire that will cut your skin
- put down about 55 bear traps on the floor
- stake out his attack dog outside
- put nails in the stairs so when you step on them you cut your foot
- put a nail in the PHONE so when you try and call for help you stab yourself
- Knives in the chandelier
I could go on and on about the crazy stuff this guy does in the space of a few hours, and my thinking is WHY??? He's already got the two adults in the house in the basement CHAINED UP. Who is he setting all these traps out for? The whole point of the movie is he doesn't know the burglar is inside. So what are these elaborate traps for?? Trust me when I say those two people are not going ANYWHERE without help.
Basically the movie goes on and on with people dying in horrible ways, and the teenage daughter comes home with her boyfriend and both of them die in horrible ways. Burglar manages to get the mother unchained but she freaks out after seeing her dead husband and runs smack dab into the killer. It's just nuts. My feeling was, why aren't we KILLING THE BAD GUY??? The guy doesn't know you are there... grab a weapon (there are TONS OF THEM EVERYWHERE) and sneak up behind this guy and take him out. I mean... unchain the dad, wait for killer guy to come downstairs and together you kill the bad guy. I just do NOT understand why we're doing all this skulking around the house unless it's to show us just how terrible bad guy is with all the traps he's laid out.
And here's my biggest pet peeve, and if you think you're going to watch this movie, stop here. Burglar makes it out of the house with the 5 year old daughter who has been hiding. The police are coming and he gets HIT BY A COP CAR in an attempt to save the daughter. She's taken away safely in a cop car and burglar is in the ambulance. He thinks he's safe. He's okay. NOT SO FAST! The ambulance is hit by a cop car manned by BONDAGE MASK WEARING BAD GUY who takes out everyone in the ambulance, gets the burglar guy and carries him off to certain doom.
Really? REALLY?? The bad guy escapes the house which was on FIRE by the way, takes out a cop, gets into the car and chases down the ambulance?? Is he SUPER BONDAGE MASK WEARING BAD GUY??? Does he have special powers?? I hate that. Don't try and make me think that this is a HUMAN and MORTAL person and ohhh... this could happen to you scary movie, and then give the bad guy immortal powers of regeneration. It cheapens the movie and the ending. Hated this. Hated this, hated this, hated this.
So are we clear Hollywood Directors? No blood and guts and torture JUST BECAUSE you can. And no supernatural bad guys who seems to re-spawn like a video game character. Let's go back to scary movies where something is left to the imagination. It's scarier and works better as a story.
Thank you again for your time and attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled movie watcher
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Night Alone
Jeff likes to go to karaoke night, and he does this about 2x a month. When Jeff goes out, I have the house ALLLLLLLL to myself (well, aside from Nathan!), and I get ready to do things that Jeff doesn't enjoy.
I'll watch either a movie he doesn't want to see, or one of my shows from the TIVO cue. I also tend to get something indulgent to eat. Last night I splurged on McDonalds. The week previous Jeff bought me Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. Granted, now that I have Nathan I don't stay up late and it's not QUITE as indulgent a time as it was before we had Nathan. But it's still kind of nice. However, there is a down side. I am WAY more nervous when going to bed than I have ever been. And it's not nervousness about myself. After all, I lived alone for several years and always felt perfectly safe. No, I am a nervous wreck about NATHAN. What if something happens to him? What if a kidnapper breaks in and takes him??? Just that sentence alone fills me with a horror I cannot even describe.
So here's my new routine. I watch whatever show/movie I want, eat dinner, and when I'm starting to nod off, I take Monty out. It's AFTER I take Monty out that I go through an OCD-type ritual.
Bring Monty back inside and lock door. Check back door and make sure it is locked as well. Immediately I head to the master bedroom and look in the crib. Is Nathan still sleeping happily? Than all is well. Next I check closet in nursery, check shower, and check closet in master bedroom. Basically I walk the length of the entire house to make sure that with the 5 minutes it took me to walk outside and let Monty do his business in the backyard that someone did not sneak in and take Nathan, or sneak in and hide. I then make sure my cell phone is charged and bring it to bed with me. I do take comfort in the fact that I have an enormous dog who while not vicious, is EXTREMELY excited anytime someone comes to the door. He's a great heads up and impossible to ignore.
I know this makes me slightly crazy.. but I have seen WAY too many Dateline specials and scary movies, so the nightime bedcheck will continue as long as Jeff likes to belt out "My Girl Likes to Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy!
I'll watch either a movie he doesn't want to see, or one of my shows from the TIVO cue. I also tend to get something indulgent to eat. Last night I splurged on McDonalds. The week previous Jeff bought me Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. Granted, now that I have Nathan I don't stay up late and it's not QUITE as indulgent a time as it was before we had Nathan. But it's still kind of nice. However, there is a down side. I am WAY more nervous when going to bed than I have ever been. And it's not nervousness about myself. After all, I lived alone for several years and always felt perfectly safe. No, I am a nervous wreck about NATHAN. What if something happens to him? What if a kidnapper breaks in and takes him??? Just that sentence alone fills me with a horror I cannot even describe.
So here's my new routine. I watch whatever show/movie I want, eat dinner, and when I'm starting to nod off, I take Monty out. It's AFTER I take Monty out that I go through an OCD-type ritual.
Bring Monty back inside and lock door. Check back door and make sure it is locked as well. Immediately I head to the master bedroom and look in the crib. Is Nathan still sleeping happily? Than all is well. Next I check closet in nursery, check shower, and check closet in master bedroom. Basically I walk the length of the entire house to make sure that with the 5 minutes it took me to walk outside and let Monty do his business in the backyard that someone did not sneak in and take Nathan, or sneak in and hide. I then make sure my cell phone is charged and bring it to bed with me. I do take comfort in the fact that I have an enormous dog who while not vicious, is EXTREMELY excited anytime someone comes to the door. He's a great heads up and impossible to ignore.
I know this makes me slightly crazy.. but I have seen WAY too many Dateline specials and scary movies, so the nightime bedcheck will continue as long as Jeff likes to belt out "My Girl Likes to Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Single Life
It's no secret that Jeff and I met on Boston.com. I was newly single after spending about 10 years with the same man, and Jeff was newly single after getting divorced. He had been married for 10 years. Jeff will delight in telling you that I chose him. And it's true. I was still nervous about the online dating thing and had no picture listed. I was the one who trolled for men, and if I saw a guy I liked, I sent him an email. If I remember correctly, Jeff's profile stated that his grandmother thought he looked like the actor Noah Wylie from ER, and he asked what movies I liked. He was also super cute.
I wrote him, sent him the world's worst picture of myself - he agreed to meet with me despite that, and we met for drinks. May I add that Jeff didn't drink so we met at a bar and I had a drink and he had soda. Oh, and everyone I inquired about in his family had just DIED. Including the family dog. EVEN THE DOG WAS DEAD. Regardless it was a great date and now we're married.
Not all dates were this good. If you've spent anytime single, you know what I'm talking about. The downside to online dating took me awhile to figure out. That rule was, just because I connected with someone over email, did not mean we would connect in real life. I was talking with a guy via email for WEEKS. We had great emails back and forth, and eventually we met in real life. Now, this guy had a stutter and I knew that beforehand. It was not an issue for me, and I decided that we should go to a movie and dinner. I figured that the movie would give us something to talk about during dinner. So we met. I don't even remember what movie we went to see, but this guy was nervous. REALLY nervous. So nervous he sweat. And sweat. A LOT of sweat. And it just kept coming. He also pet me. You read that right. He PET ME. He stroked my hair and told me it was pretty. I can't even begin to tell you how weird it was. All I can say is there was no dinner. I faked an illness after the movie and we went our separate ways. After that I realized that it was better to meet the person in question as soon as possible.
And a few dates later, I met Jeff. I do hope that my bad date in question managed to meet someone he connected with. He was a nice guy, just not for me.
Anyone feel like sharing? Any bad date stories??? I've got a few more up my sleeve.. and I'll share if you do!
I wrote him, sent him the world's worst picture of myself - he agreed to meet with me despite that, and we met for drinks. May I add that Jeff didn't drink so we met at a bar and I had a drink and he had soda. Oh, and everyone I inquired about in his family had just DIED. Including the family dog. EVEN THE DOG WAS DEAD. Regardless it was a great date and now we're married.
Not all dates were this good. If you've spent anytime single, you know what I'm talking about. The downside to online dating took me awhile to figure out. That rule was, just because I connected with someone over email, did not mean we would connect in real life. I was talking with a guy via email for WEEKS. We had great emails back and forth, and eventually we met in real life. Now, this guy had a stutter and I knew that beforehand. It was not an issue for me, and I decided that we should go to a movie and dinner. I figured that the movie would give us something to talk about during dinner. So we met. I don't even remember what movie we went to see, but this guy was nervous. REALLY nervous. So nervous he sweat. And sweat. A LOT of sweat. And it just kept coming. He also pet me. You read that right. He PET ME. He stroked my hair and told me it was pretty. I can't even begin to tell you how weird it was. All I can say is there was no dinner. I faked an illness after the movie and we went our separate ways. After that I realized that it was better to meet the person in question as soon as possible.
And a few dates later, I met Jeff. I do hope that my bad date in question managed to meet someone he connected with. He was a nice guy, just not for me.
Anyone feel like sharing? Any bad date stories??? I've got a few more up my sleeve.. and I'll share if you do!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Complete Lack of Appetite
For some reason these past few days I have no appetite. It's the weirdest thing because not being hungry is NOT normal for me. I'm the kind of person who LOOKS FORWARD to meals. I get excited if I'm going for a good meal out at a favorite restaurant. I ENJOY food. And while work has been stressful, my normal reaction to stress is "BRING ON THE FOOD"!!!! It is NOT.. "Eh, I guess I should eat something for lunch". Now I do have Graves Disease and no thyroid, but not being hungry has never been a side effect before. I go ALL MORNING LONG now without eating. I have no interest in it. Normally I'd be STARVING by 10:30am even after a nice healthy breakfast and ready to gnaw my arm off like a coyote stuck in a traffic.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? It doesn't feel serious, like call a doctor serious, I'm just not hungry. This evening I was a little hungry on my way home from work, but I just didn't care if I ate or not. Very, very weird. I feel fine otherwise so I've got no idea just what is going on now.
Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? It doesn't feel serious, like call a doctor serious, I'm just not hungry. This evening I was a little hungry on my way home from work, but I just didn't care if I ate or not. Very, very weird. I feel fine otherwise so I've got no idea just what is going on now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Easter
Despite the scary-ass Easter bunny at the Hawthorne Hotel in Salem we had a wonderful, scrumptious brunch. I'm telling you this place has the BEST food. YUMMY! I definitely recommend it and would go back. The Easter bunny walked around and was gracious enough to hold Nathan and let us snap a quick picture - and it's not the bunny's fault that he is so damn creepy!!! Nathan was super well behaved especially considering he is teething and pretty miserable. He kept shoving EVERYTHING in his mouth and had a particular fondness for the spoons at the table. And here's the picture of the happy family:
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Dinner Friday Night
Jeff and I are going to have a stay in "date night". We're going to rent a movie and hang out and I was thinking of going REALLY crazy and making dinner:
Mmmm... Fish Pizza!! It's pizza for Jeff and tuna fish for me! Two great tastes that taste great together. Admit it, you're all jealous. I know you are!
Mmmm... Fish Pizza!! It's pizza for Jeff and tuna fish for me! Two great tastes that taste great together. Admit it, you're all jealous. I know you are!
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