Heart

Warning - mushy post alert!!! The hormones are running through my body faster than the speed of light, so if you don't want to read the mushy ooshiness.. well.. give this post a PASS!

Nathan is almost 1 years old. I cannot believe it. Last Father's Day I got Jeff a picture frame where there's a tiny oval for each month, and you put a picture in it to show how your baby is growing month by month. When I presented it to Jeff (he LOVES taking pictures), we both marvelled over ALL THOSE TINY WINDOWS. I mean, it was RIDICULOUS to even think about how time would pass and we would have Nathan and that a WHOLE YEAR would fly by. But today Jeff showed me the frame and there's only one tiny window left. 12 months.

It feels like I've had Nathan with me forever. It feels like my heart is walking around outside of my body in the form of my baby. Everything he does amazes me. Even when he's being a total BEAR because he missed a nap and then didn't have a full afternoon nap and I can't so much as run to the bathroom to PEE without him pulling himself up on the gate to SCREAM his little head off, well even then I know I'm so freakin' lucky. Beyond lucky to have such an amazing child. Lucky that I'm able to be home with him, and lucky that he is seriously so insanely cute that there are STILL times when I have to force myself to hand him over to adoring grandpas and grandma and cousins and friends. Because there are STILL days when I am happiest when he puts his little hand on me and I feel the slight weight of his hand and know that there is so much responsibility in that little touch. And yet so much joy. I watch him sleep and I wonder if there will ever be a point in my life where I WON'T want to watch him sleep and I really hope that comes before he's like, 16 years old, because boy will he NOT want his mommy staring at him when he's a teenager. Talk about therapy!! And I wonder if I'm just the most boring person on earth because I can sit and talk about him and the things he does FOREVER and holy crap I feel bad for whoever I'm talking to because I UNDERSTAND that I am the most uninteresting person in the world and yet I CANNOT STOP MYSELF.

And my baby is almost a year old. It makes me want to cry because WHERE DID MY BABY GO??? The time flew by and even though carrying him around the mall leaves me with a back ache and exhausted - I STILL carry him around the mall for two reason:
1. He likes
2. I like it - and I know there will be a time where he will NOT want to be carried and it will make me cry, gotta get my time in now!

I read a book once where the author likened being a mother to being in Shakespeare's "Midsummer's Nights Dream" - where you are truly not in your right mind. I'd have to agree. Being a mother has been the most challenging thing I've ever done - and every day I am eternally thankful that I am NATHAN's mom. He is definitely my heart.