Thoughts

I was running around during lunch today, getting gas, seeing about picking up some cards, little things like that when I happened to glance into the backseat. There's a car seat back there. A car seat, some soft covered books, a mirror with jungle animals so I can see Nathan, and it hit me.

I'm a MOMMY!

I know that seems silly since my life is pretty much completely consumed by the fact that I have Nathan. But there are still times when I think.. Holy CRAP! I'm a MOTHER. I have a little baby boy who is dependent on me for EVERYTHING. I don't know if its because I never really THOUGHT about being a mother previously - but there are days when I just cannot believe it. I see mothers and their children all day long doing things like holding hands and pushing strollers and I see it abstractly. It's a fact of life. Only now that woman with the diaper bag and baby on a hip is ME! It's very weird to see myself like that, and not really weird in a bad way, just weird. Like I went to sleep one way, and woke up a completely different way. I'm still ME.. but yet there's this whole other side of me. Some days its like I'm playing role, a role I desperately want to do well, but it's a role. I stare at Nathan at times and think, he's MINE! He's MY baby. This little person, this little being is MY BABY. And it blows my mind so completely I can't explain it.

I wish I had some deep thoughts about this, but it kind of amuses me that 10 months later I am still in AWE of the fact that I have this child. I clearly remember my life previous to his arrival, but yet I cannot even fathom a world where he is not in it. This whole motherhood thing is a strange, strange journey!