Normal

I went to lunch today with some girlfriends and had a really great time. While at this lunch I was reminded that what we sometimes consider not "normal", is indeed, very normal.

For example: I am QUEEN of worrying and obsessing about things that I have no control over. If there's an issue that I cannot solve/work around/change, well BRING IT ON because I will spend HOURS, no DAYS obsessing about that very thing.

I also tend to do something very unproductive, and that's if there happens to be nothing to obsess about, my mind will wander down memory lane. And my memory lane RARELY dwells on the happy memories. Oh no, it will instead happily trot out every humiliating, uncomfortable or NOT GOOD memory in the databank that is my brain and replay it OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Why in the WORLD is this? I recently read on MSNBC that there was a study that said that this particular habit is not something that is solely something I do to torture myself. Apparently it's something a LOT OF PEOPLE DO. And I have to say, I am very glad that I am not alone in this - though it would be nice to find a way to oh, I don't know, STOP IT!!!

While talking with my friends I found that I am not the only person fond of obsessing about things that are not controllable. They all did this. So something that I consider very abnormal, is indeed very normal within my group of friends. Did this make me feel better? Oh yes! Though once again, I would very much like a way to stop this particular habit. I went to a therapist YEARS ago and had maybe two sessions with him (I didn't really mesh with him so didn't go back after the second visit), and he suggested that I visualize a stop sign when I found myself obsessing. I did try this and it was a spectacular failure. Visualizing a stop sign did bo shit diddly on stopping my mind from replaying horrible scenarios.

What HAS worked?? That would be the lovely state of exhaustion that I am always in lately since my poor baby has apparently gotten sick AGAIN. AGAIN!! Need I remind everyone that if Nathan can't sleep, well ain't NOBODY SLEEPING!! So sleep deprivation means that I fall into an exhausted slumber as soon as my head hits the pillow most nights!

So feel free to share if you like, I'll bet you will all be surprised that the weird thing you do that you're convinced nobody else does is actually very common!!!

$400 payment to American Express

Today I made a $400 payment to American Express and a $5 deposit to my ING Savings Account. My normal Amex payment is $300, but I got a little bonus at work so I put a little extra into my Amex payment. I'll make another Savings deposit, but I took advantage of my bonus to splurge on the following:
Amazon.com - I got books for myself and Nathan. And I got some toddler sized bowls and toddler spoons for Nathan. Do I need to note that I got Nathan new books, but my books I got used? Hey, had to save a LITTLE money where I could!

Avon.com - yup, I splurged and got some nice smelling lotions and a night cream for my face. Hey - some of it was on sale, so I definitely bargain shopped there as well!

I may also buy myself a sweater, but we'll see!!!!

Refusal now to watch wrestling

Jeff and I used to watch wrestling together. We've even been to shows together, and it's no secret that I love Kane. But now, I'm not watching it anymore. I'm not watching it because I find it incredibly offensive to see a storyline where one of the WWE Divas, calls another Diva "fat". The Diva is named "Mickie James" and apparently these other two Divas have been calling her "Piggy James". A reference to the fact that she apparently once had a weight problem, and that they think she NOW has a weight problem.


Just a note here, this is Mickie James, the Diva in question:



Now, I ask you, does she look "fat" in any way, shape or form? Maybe I'm crazy but this girl looks crazy in shape. Anyway, at first I found the storyline annoying. I mean, two girls calling another girl "fat"? It was stupid. It was stupid and annoying and I thought, how much do these writers get paid to come up with such an insanely stupid storyline? Do they have NOTHING ELSE FOR THESE GIRLS TO DO?

And then tonight I watched as the two "Mean Divas" taunted the "fat one" and shoved cake in her face. Cake that was made to look like a pig. And there's where they lost me. Jeff thinks I'm over-reacting and it's a stupid storyline, but this is where I get mad.

1. It's reinforcing the idea that calling a girl, any girl, "fat" is a good way to get them upset no matter what that girl looks like. And that "fat" is a bad thing in and of itself. Doesn't matter what kind of PERSON the girl is, it matter what she LOOKS LIKE and if she happens to not be stick thin, well that is BAD. And something to be made fun of.

2. At one point the two "Mean Divas" had a long buffet table of food for "Piggy James" to eat. They made fun of the food as they talked about it, they were scornful about the food displayed because it was "bad food". Cake and potato chips and cookies. Food we ALL KNOW NONE OF THESE LADIES EAT ON ANY SORT OF REGULAR BASIS BECAUSE THEIR JOB IS TO LOOK GOOD AND BE ATHLETIC.. but the idea of showing how "bad" these items were just really got under my skin. All those items are fine in moderation, and with the amount of working out and physical activity that these ladies do, I'm sure they could all have a piece of cake every now and then and not worry about fitting into their spandex body stocking the next day.

3. They shoved cake into Mickie James face while holding her down. Now wrestling entertainment is all about the dramatic, and this was definitely dramatic. It was also degrading and mean and nasty. It was not entertainment. It was done to humiliate, and while I realize that Mickie was fully aware that this was going to happen, I found it disturbing.

So wrestling has lost me. This is the second time that I've stopped watching wrestling. The first time it was when they had a male character dressed like a "Pimp" who traveled with his "ho's" and people were invited to ride the "ho train". I found that even more degrading towards women than the Mickie James/Piggy James storyline and while I realize that these women are CHOOSING to do this, to go along with these stories, it doesn't mean I have to watch it. As a woman, I find both to be offensive and I'll show my displeasure just about the only way I can. Not going to shows, not buying anymore Kane tee-shirts, and not watching the show.

And here's my question: am I over-reacting here? I really don't think I am. I can tolerate quite a bit, but certain things get under my skin and this is one of them. Where is the line for you, my readers? And what do you do if it ever gets crossed?

7 Things About Me You May Not Know

Here are 7 things about me that you may not already know!

1. I'm an introvert. Well, I'm an introvert with extroverted tendencies, meaning basically that while I enjoy people, I need "down time" to re-energize and cope with my day and all the people contact I have. I find that now that I have a baby, I need this time even more, and if I do NOT get my recharge time I can be cranky and irritable - never a good combination.

2. I am seriously considering adoption or fostering a child in the future. Well, maybe not fostering because the idea of giving the child UP would kill me, but perhaps adoption!

3. My favorite way to pass the time is to "pretend" shop. I fill up carts at Macys and Nordstrom with everything I want and more just to see what the total would be.

4. I'm slightly OCD about binders that I keep. I rip out articles and ideas from magazines and put them in the appropriate binder and plastic sheeting. Mostly snack ideas for children, recipes (that I have never tried), and articles about being a good parent. Flipping through these binders is actually amazingly soothing for me, and I used to do something similar as a teenager when I had binders and binders of articles and pictures of my favorite bands.

5. I am super addicted to "Famville" on Facebook and have to fight the urge to "buy" different items to add to my pretend farm.

6. I love scary movies and thrillers and even though lately they scare me even MORE than they used to, I still watch them. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush?

7. My bark is worse than my bite!

Trauma at dropping off Nathan at daycare

Oh my God do I NOT like dropping Nathan off at daycare. Usually I do the pick up at daycare and I like that. I get to grab my baby and take him home. Today I had to work late so I brought Nathan in. First of all, it was disorienting bringing him IN. I had to bring in all his stuff, get his bottles in the fridge, put the sheets in the binder and I changed his diaper. And then came the hard part. I handed him off, gathered up the car seat THAT DID NOT CONTAIN MY BABY and turned around to say goodbye. I kissed Nathan on the head and told him goodbye and he smiled. He smiled and I had to WALK AWAY. AAAAAAARRRGHHHH... I had to leave him and that was sooo hard. Now I know that Nathan is not only fine at daycare, but that he LIKES daycare. They have cool toys and other babies and the teachers are all kind and wonderful and patient and everything good... but I really, really hated walking away. I mean, HATED walking away.

I suspect this is not going to get any easier. And I suspect that my idea of me being the hard ass parent is not going to be the case. I am mush around Nathan. Pliable, taffy-like mush. He's got me wrapped around his tiny little chubby baby finger 100% and I know that's not going to change. Do I perhaps forsee a call to Super Nanny on the horizon???

Funny Cartoon For The Day

Okay, I just thought this was pretty damn funny and had to post it!

Disbelief

You know, it's bad enough that I'm wearing a Woman's Size 16, but browsing different plus size clothing sites I found the following. Clearly this is designed to mock me, because I cannot imagine ANY PERSON ON EARTH LOOKING AT THIS and CHOOSING TO WEAR IT. Let's talk about ugly with a capital U!!!!

First Challenge

Home with Nathan today. A fussy and sick Nathan who has had a fever Saturday and Sunday night. Today he was all runny nose/cough and just general sickness. I am convinced it is 100 times worse when your baby is sick because there was NOTHING I could do for him. He was all whiny and not able to play for any real length of time before going back into a whiny cry that would stretch on. Poor baby... I called his doctor's office and basically even at 6 months there is still nothing we can really do for him, but I was able to give him a dose of Infant Tylenol. That Tylenol is not messing around and he was out cold for 2 hours this morning. I won't lie, I was out with him. I brought him upstairs, put him into his co-sleeper and I curled up near him in our bed and he wrapped his little hand around my finger (Can I get an AWWWWWW?????), and he was out cold. I slept right along with him. Two hours later we were both up and he was definitely feeling better. I got his bottle, and let him play in his exersaucer which he loved for all of 10 minutes before fussing again. And here's my challenge. I was hungry. And despite having plenty of food in the house what I really wanted was McDonald's. A quarter pounder with cheese, fries and chocolate shake thank you very much. I wrestled with the idea of it, and the reality of not only bundling up my sick baby for such a silly errand, compounded with the fact that this would be $8.00 I really shouldn't be spending - well I stayed home. Made a sandwich for myself and spent the rest of the day trying to calm down and keep happy my baby boy.

So score one for me for not giving in to the first temptation!!!

New Plan

By next year I want to have my American Express bill down by about $5,000. Yup, you read that right, down $5,000. I currently do a $300 a month payment to American Express and the bill is PAINFULLY going down by like only $50. But I pointed something out to Jeff... after I get my paycheck I pay all my bills (including my half of the mortgage, car payment, Tivo and Life Insurance). After those bills are paid, the rest of my check (and granted it's not a lot) should be "extra" money. I don't eat out for lunch anymore, and I SHOULD only need money for gas to and from work. Oh, and maybe the occasional weekend visit with friends. With gas and this visit, that should be about $50 a week. The leftover money in THEORY should be sent to American Express. Thus following through on every financial book/article's advice on debt - the "EFFING THROW ALL YOUR SPARE MONEY AT YOUR DEBT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE UNTIL THAT DEBT IS GONE".

But the idea of paying down $5,000 in one year seems overwhelming. Really overwhelming. And near impossible. I'm going to attempt to make it a game. I would like to make one extra payment a week to American Express of $20. I would also like to put $5 a week into savings. It's not a lot.. in fact, it's a little.. BUT I think if I start small like this it will be easy to keep this goal. And as I get better and better about budgeting, I might be able to plunk even MORE into American Express and my savings account. So this Friday I should have $25 set aside for American Express and Savings.

Wish me luck in the New Year!!!

Addiction/Weakness for Finance Books

Since I'm in debt, I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read finance books. And articles about money or getting out of debt or how to save money. As long as I don't have to read about Roth IRA's and stocks and all that because honestly I STILL don't understand all of that and since right now the priority is getting out of credit card debt I tend to ignore the whole "how to save for our future" thing. I know this isn't smart, but I figure once the credit cards are gone Jeff and I can can look into the whole stocks/bonds/money market account thingies.

Now I've read a LOT of finance books and read a LOT of debt articles. I love reading about people who have WAY more debt than me (it makes me feel smug - what can I say, I'm not always a nice person), and I also love reading about how these people get out of debt. It's inspiring and makes me want to do the same thing. And after reading these articles/books I'm inspired for at LEAST a good week!!!!

And here's a little tip from me to you. Basically all these articles and books boil down to one thing.

Have extra money? Shove that extra money at the credit card/loan of your choice until it's gone and then take THAT money and shove it at the next credit card/loan until THAT one is gone. And repeat till you're out of debt. That is IT. I don't care HOW the article or book phrases things or what kind of key words they use, basically it's take ALL YOUR EXTRA EFFING CASH AND THROW IT AT YOUR DEBT. Ideally they want you to double/triple that payment for as LONG AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE until it is gone.

Oh, and savings? Cut out the "extras". If you're like me, you've given up just about every "extra" quite awhile ago.. but SURELY these articles and books say, I can give up just a LITTLE MORE. And granted, I did not NEED the two Christmas themed throw pillows I got for my sofa, but they WERE 50% off when I got them and I can justify the purchase that way. But for the most part, there are no impulse buys at the Weiner household.

Example: we went to Babies R Us and Target this weekend with a list, coupons, and flyers. We had a budget of $100 and we got the following:
Drop Ins for bottles
2 pacifiers
2 outfits for Nathan that were on CLEARANCE - OH YEAH PEOPLE!!! CLEARANCE!!! (which can I vent that I HATE it that there are SPRING CLOTHES out right now?? Nathan doesn't need a swimsuit thank you very much, he needs warm clothes to wear to daycare and out and about!!! GAH!!! Spring clothing...)
Desitin Diaper Rash Creme
And we used our $10 off Babies R Us coupons and TWO coupons for the Desitin
At Target we got:
1 Rubbermaid Bin for Nathan's old clothes
Paper Towels
Feminine Stuff for me - and no, it's NOT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS JUST WHAT I GOT!!!! But suffice to say I bought Target brand
2 cans of powdered Nestle Good Start
1 book for Nathan "SkippyJon Jones"
Dog food for Monty
Oh, and we looked at the clothing for Nathan and determined that it looked rather cheap and not substantial so we put it all back.

And we had $20 leftover from the $100 we had set aside. SCORE!!! We're definitely doing better and I even had $20 set aside extra so I can get my mascara. It was a GOOD day!!!

Now we just need to get some crock pot recipes together and actually utilize our kitchen more! The New Year is off to a good start!

Clothing Wardrobe

I've never been really good about putting together "outfits". Really I should have gone into a profession that required a uniform. Even wearing a McDonald's uniform every day would be an improvement over my wardrobe choices. I just do NOT have the ability to dress. Oh I can put black slacks on and a top, maybe even spruce it up a little bit with a cute cardigan or something, but I never REALLY look pulled together. My winter coat is a black down coat and it's sooooo unstylish, but I got it when I was pregnant and I wanted two things in a winter coat. That would be: inexpensive and warm. Well I got those two things. And since I still cannot fit my "normal" wardrobe, I'm wearing the XL ugly coat. Driving up to daycare today though, I walked in with another mom and I noticed that she looked really put together. She had the nice high heeled boots on with really nicely pressed gray slacks, and a very stylish wool coat and brightly colored scarf. Her hair was in a STYLE, and not pulled back in an elastic. She was PUT TOGETHER. And wow did I look sad walking in next to her with my XL down coat and the driving shoes I had slipped on that I could easily carry Nathan out to the car in his car seat with. I looked, what's the word I'm looking for, "sloppy". Not dirty or anything, just not pulled together. I was wearing a nice skirt, I had a semi-nice top on underneath it, and I had EVEN PUT A NECKLACE on today. Which in my mind, is ACCESSORIZING!!! But I still felt kind of sloppy next to this other mom. I couldn't help but look at my chipped nail polish and beat up shoes and ugly coat.

All my life though I have lacked the ingrained ability normal people have to dress themselves. Now, I have some cute clothes that I'd love to fit into again, but at the same time there's always something slightly OFF about how I look. My nail polish is chipped, the hair is not really done, or I have a run in my stockings... There's always a little something not quite right.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?? That what they are wearing is not QUITE right?? Maybe because I never developed my sense of style, maybe because I don't care enough and I always tend to pick sleep over coordinating my clothing? Maybe I'm just lazy, but I would very much LIKE to be a stylish mom. I just don't really see it happening. I'm 35 and I suspect even if I completely overhauled my wardrobe I still wouldn't look quite right.

So, any stylish tips for me?? A little help for the wardrobe impaired is always welcome!!!

Weekend Stock Up Plan

When I get paid this week I have plans to head on over to Babies R Us and stock up on some necessities for Nathan. Here's the NEED list:
Formula (ideally I'd like to get 2 cans)
Drop Ins for his bottles
Pacifiers
Diaper Genie Refills
Larger sleep sack

Those are the NEEDS. I also need to set aside some money for a Convertible car seat since Nathan is rapidly growing out of his infant car seat. And the sucky thing? We'll need TWO car seats. One for each car.

The Would Like To Get List:
Diapers (we ALWAYS need more diapers)
Wipes (yet again, always need wipes)
Baby wash/Lotion

So I'm perusing the internet and stocking up on coupons and looking through the Babies R Us website and trying to find what is on sale, what is buy 2 get 1 free, and more. I'm trying to shop SMARTER this weekend as opposed to the panicked "Holy Crap Nathan is almost out of _______ (insert any of the list items here)" and I run out and grab what I need without coupons or price checking or ANYTHING.

I would also like to check prices and coupons to get myself some of the following:
New Rubbermaid Bin for Nathan's clothes
Body Wash
Conditioner
Paper Towels

I know, my life is so exciting. I just don't know what I do with myself these days! But is there anything else we should be stocking up on? Maybe Diet Coke? Other grocery items that we KNOW we always want.... trying to get a handle on all this smart shopping and damn it is NOT easy.

New Year's

I was thinking of posting a whole bunch of grand resolutions for everyone. Of COURSE there would be the lose weight and exercise resolution, and get out of debt resolution and I feel like I've been making those resolutions forEVER!!!! It's boring. And it got me thinking, trying to get out of debt is mind-numbingly boring. It sucks, and it takes an ETERNITY.



It's not the idea that I can't use our credit cards that gets to me. And it's not the idea that I can't buy new clothes, or get "splurges" like $50 perfume and the such. Or $200 shoes that I love. It's the little things. The nit picky, tiny little things that get to me. For instance:



1. I use a face wash now from Target, Clean & Clear brand thank you very much. It costs about $7.oo. Well I ran out of this face wash, and for about 2 weeks it was not in my budget to get more. I had to dilute it with water and RATION IT OUT for 2 weeks before I could go to Target and get more effing face wash. That sucked.



2. Conditioner. I ran out of conditioner and just couldn't convince myself to spend the $10 to get more, so for two months (TWO MONTHS!!!) I didn't use any. Thank you God for elastics because my hair was not fit to be seen out of a ponytail.



3. Right now I'm out of my mascara. I'm at the VEEEEEEERRY end of my "Just for Redheads" mascara and it's drying out and I seriously cannot afford to get more until Thursday and payday. This also, in case you're interested, sucks. A LOT.



Really it's the small things that you can't buy when you want, things that previously you just would have gone ahead and bought without thinking about, that make me crazy. And it makes me feel bad that I'm so upset about not being able to buy them when I want. I mean, I'm blessed. I have plenty of food and a roof over my head and clothes to wear and I have a job and Jeff has a job and Nathan is growing fast and already wearing 12 month clothing at 6 months old.. so it's not like he's hurting either. But I still feel like pouting when I can't effing buy my facial wash when I want!!! I feel like stamping my feet and shouting "Unfair" and yet I also realize how stupid it is to be ticked off about small shit like this. There are people who have NOTHING and don't know where they'll be sleeping tonight or where they will get their next meal and I'm all pissed off because I can't buy the yummy smelling body wash I want. It's like I need to get a handle on my priorities!!!



And it's hard. It makes me want to say "HELL WITH IT", this credit card debt will NEVER be paid off and I might as well just go ahead and spend, spend, spend. But I won't. Sigh... I know that when our debt is gone our life is going to be a million times easier, we'll have more money in our pockets, we'll be able to get a retirement savings account and do all the little things we want to do. Though getting there is definitely NOT FUN.



So here's my resolution. I want to be smarter about my shopping. I want to look for coupons and deals so I can stock up ahead of time on those little things that seem to matter SO MUCH to me! And I want to figure out a better way to stock our freezer. And I want to use our crockpot once a week.



HERE THEY ARE, KATHARINE'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010:

1. Coupons - utilize them and stock up when the opportunity presents itself so I won't feel deprived.

2. Crock pot - use it once a week

3. Freezer - keep it stocked with food we'll actually, oh I don't know, EAT.



Right now that's it. Of course I want to lose weight and exercise but I figure I ALWAYS want those things so I should just do them rather than make some grand promise with the new year. I am also NOT going to put down being more "grateful". I am sooooo grateful already with all the blessings in my life and the idea of having to kind of change my personality so that I'm walking around singing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow" makes me itchy. And like I would be some sort of Stepford Wife robot. So let's leave the list where it is!