Friends

I've been blessed with some pretty great friends over the years. Some friends I've known forever and can remember since elementary school, and some good friends I've made very recently. I've even been fortunate enough to make at least ONE good friend from each job I've had over the years (with the exception of one - and since I was only there for 10 months before I quit, I'm not counting it!!). But as I've gotten older I've realized that I, me personally, am not a good friend. Well, I like to think I am a good friend NOW... but in the past, no. I don't mean a bad friend like stealing husbands or boyfriends, or anything along those lines. What I really mean is by taking friendships for granted. Not listening enough to what my friends were REALLY saying, and only taking in what I WANTED to take in. By putting the needs of boyfriend(s) before my friends (yes I understand the cliche that boyfriends come and go and friends are forever - and at the time I would have VEHEMENTLY denied that I was doing that, but looking back, I most certainly was). I also spurned people who were actively TRYING to be my friend. How crazy is that? But it was definitely something I did do, sometimes out of insecurity (why do they want to be my friend?), and sometimes out of pure laziness (being a good friend requires emotional investment and time, two things I didn't have or even WANT to have). I was insensitive at times to what my friends were telling me either verbally or through body cues. And I certainly did not spend lots of time with my friends cultivating the relationship. Any and all available free time would be spent on my boyfriend(s). It really wasn't until I was single in my late 20's that I started to place more value on my friends. And even then, I didn't quite recognize the importance. Meeting Jeff, marrying Jeff, having a child - it's all given me a lot of perspective and I can look back and say "Yes, I lost this friendship due to my own bad behavior" or "I lost this friendship because it was easier to lose it than to put in the time needed to keep it going". It's hard to admit. Hard to admit that I was not always the good friend I wanted to be, or even thought I was. Hey, denial isn't just a river in Egypt you know!

I'm trying now to not only be more open to new friendships, but to also cultivate and nurture the ones I already have. It's hard with a baby here, but Nathan is not an excuse. So while I dislike the whole "friend" thing on Facebook, I can appreciate that it has opened me up to more people, people who are now becoming "real" friends, and keeping me in touch with the friends I already have. And a big, big, big THANK YOU to all my lovely and wonderful friends who have put up with me over the years - I really appreciate you all!